I’m learning to know how to learn to know - myself as whole, and the whole around me. What are the signs, patterns, feelings, visions? 

I am learning how to meet these lessons with love and care and curiosity, over shame and over subduing.

Unlearning and rewiring is energy - and I’ve been feeling tired from aliveness, like after a day with wind and sand and shore and sun beating away around you. Even this is new or long lost. I’ve long since become used to exhaustion from the energy to perform insentience.

In these spaces changes and changes are happening and they are elusive and hard to name and track down and around. On every occasion we have a new guest I’m new again, and I have to fill in the answers to a new introduction. These days my movements are hard to pin down and channel, and so in these transitions and times where I’m filled to the brim each day with new ideas, challenges, wisdom - how do I know what I want to know?

This is the unknown, and around it there’s been sown fear, distrust, shame and then resistance. Where am I in these systems of life that fill in all of the possibilities and tell the ending from the start? That sweep away growth and construct a product from processes. I only knew that there would be no space here for the parts that aren't figured out, and no room to truly begin to know.

There is so much hope in learning that venturing into this unknown deflates fear. The first entry in my notebook from the beginning of July is titled “Forks!” - Sophia. And this was liberation! This was permission to eat without them, to use my hands and feel comfortable and good and alive in this small way. We don’t need them and the shame concocted and attached to leaving them out, or to separate ourselves in every way from the life that nourishes us. And now ventures in running in bare feet. Spending time tossing around the yard.

What are the ways I’ve learned to see the whole around me through a lens of efficiency - fear of being wasteful, childish? What have I learned from these systems in which everything that cannot be scheduled is scheduled, everything that cannot be separated and disconnected is specialized.

I’ve been thinking about the ways play and wonder are specialized in these systems, and the way I’ve learned to experience these supplementally in games and stories. The freedom of playing is calling more and more to me, against the isolation these moments have crystallized within.

I’m understanding, now - How uncomfortable I am, and have been with the measure of time. The ones we use and center. How there’s always a discomfort in my body when someone mentions - meet here, what are you doing then. Framing the world in this way brings stress! It inhibits my being. I need to be in time as it is unfolding. I spend energy in the colors and changes and movement, and curiosity and I save none to think about what hasn’t happened next.

I’m wondering, now - How do I know what I want to know? Do I need a schedule? What does my schedule look like without time, in space, in relationship?

Alessia Cutugno